Licking Therapy

When life gets you down, just do what I do...
Lick things!

Don’t believe me?  Here are two examples of how licking things will dramatically improve your outlook:

 Example #1:
When I find something that I don't recognize, naturally my first instinct is to use my tongue to identify its origin.  Nine times out of ten it’s a pleasant surprise & my day just got better.

 Example #2:
If you are looking to enliven your day (and as an added bonus, a friend’s day as well), lick their cheek.  I have yet to meet someone who can’t help but smile when they think a sweet intentioned kiss is on the way & instead they get accosted by my lizard tongue.

 So go out, spread the love & enjoy a day of licking…you’ll thank me for it.

Pick-Up Lines

I know you fellas are always looking for some tried-and-true go to pick-up lines, so I thought I would compile some of my sure-fire lines that have gotten me more attention than my Mom cares to mention.

A few words of caution when attempting to implement the pick-up…
1) The delivery requires an exaggerated sense of innocence.
2) Chubby cheeks are recommended, but not required.
3) Annunciating every word is optional; a little mystery in the translation never hurt anyone.
4) When all else fails, pick your nose.  It throws them for such a loop they will forget all about the failed attempt at trying to impress them & they usually just quietly leave.

"Don't touch my boobs, I touch you boobs!"

"You pretty. There a tooty in my booty."

“Good morning ladies, where you candy?”

“Hi, I Brennan, I eat boogers.”

“My Dad a penis.”

“I cold, put me in you coat.”

“Where you put you money?”

“Look at dat…I spit on you.”

“Where you belly?  Show me!”

“I sleep in crib. I pee in potty.”

“You smell like peanuts.”

“My straw fit in my ear.”

“Dis cheese taste bad.  You try.”

“Put you head here, I give you haircut.”

“I go with you.  You carry me.  I wipe my nose on you.”

“Hello.  I pinch.”

And my personal favorite…

"You noodles, I sauce, lay down!"


These timeless clasics are sure to amaze and woo even the hardest nut to crack.
I, for one, will be using them for years to come.

Keep me posted on your success...

Cause & Effect

My day…

Wake up in a puddle of pee.

Fall down 4 stairs on my way to breakfast.

Throw my French Toast Sticks in the toilet.

Go to the Gym Childcare & immediately pinch one of my friends.

Tattle on myself to the Childcare worker & ask to be put in time-out.

After time-out #1, pinch another friend, tattle on myself & ask to be put in time-out.

After time-out #2, pinch another friend, tattle on myself & ask to be put in time-out.

After time-out #3, they page my Mom.

Elated to see her, I fess up to all of the shenanigans that have just transpired & say “I pinch, I go time-out, Mommy comes!”

Go to my Dad’s office to tell him about said incident at the Gym & spit all over the car window.

Take a long, quiet ride home because now BOTH parents are upset.

Fall off the chair while eating lunch.

Too damn upset to finish lunch, so I take a long nap.

Wake up from nap with a bloody nose.

Go to the bus stop to get my sister, slip on the ice & bruise my rear.

Make Valentine cards and manage to glue my finger in my ear & paper to my eyebrow.

Pee in my Mom’s rain boots.

Eat a big dinner (I was really hungry since my first two meals didn’t go so well).

Take a bath.

Get removed from the bath for dumping a mug of water on the floor.

Sit in the dark, quietly rocking with my Mom as she says our nightly prayers, hugs me & tells me she loves me. 

While I’m sleeping…

Mommy sits in the dark, in the tub with a washcloth on her eyes and a pitcher of Martinis.

Awkward Silence

Have you ever had the urge to just say what’s on your mind?  If the answer is “yes”, then we are cut from the same cloth.  I often have this urge, and unfortunately, haven’t developed the necessary “filter” that some (but not most) adults have formed. 

Case in point…

While waiting to check out at Gordon’s Foods yesterday, I had time to size up the cashier & decided I would ask him a few questions.  Unbeknownst to my Mom, I had been admiring her low-cut sweater all morning & noticed the cashier also marveling at the blue and green in her shirt.

So, when it was our turn to give the cashier our money, I said to him “You touch Mommy's boobs?  I touch Mommy’s boobs!”  With that, I happily gave her exposed skin a thump and a shake.

Behind the red of his cheeks, the clearing of his throat and his half-smirk, that mortified cashier managed to hand my Mom her receipt and mutter, “Have a nice day.”  All the while keeping his eyes diverted down.

My Mom said nothing; not even on the way home.

She must have a really good filter.

Operation Golden Shower

I've been busy.

My newest obsession has elicited words from my Mother such as unacceptable, disgusting, disconcerting & (my personal favorite) WTF?!?

The only word I don't understand why she keeps using is "WHY?"  (More on this later...)

Discovering the convenience and versatility of my favorite boy pee-stick has been nothing short of my most educational and entertaining escapade yet.
Not sure if you are aware, but boys can relieve themselves anywhere.  Now, when I say anywhere, I mean ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, ANYHOW.

I don't try to hide it, but I do enjoy the challenge of completing the task in record time.
My routine consists of the following:
1) Look innocent & occupied.
2) Wait for the opportune time (ideally it's when my Mom is distracted with a task).
3) Pull my elastic wasted pants down to my knees & let it fly!
4) Laugh maniacally & try to finish before my Mom can reach me.

I am not picky about where I go, although I have learned that trying to pull off this maneuver outside has proven to be a poorly thought out plan.  My last attempt landed me face down (and pants down) in the snow & that shock of coldness on the boy-parts can stun even a trained professional, like myself, to a screeching halt.

I have successfully managed to execute the plan I like to refer to as "Operation Golden Shower" in the following places:
the heat vent, the toy box, my car seat, on my sister at the dinner table, the pantry, the pots & pans cupboard, the dryer, the garbage can, anywhere on the floor, my sister's Barbie house, and the sink.  The list is really endless; as I'm sure my Mom has yet to find a few of my sneakier hidden locations.

My Mom is at a loss.
I've heard her say, "it's like we've adopted a puppy!"
She has resorted to pants with buttons (as I have yet to master the dexterity required to undo said buttons) & overalls.  Have no fear; I can pull them down just far enough to do what I need to do.

Now back to the "Why?"...
Really?  You have to ask?
I could give you the clinical answer, and say "I am the third-born, a 2 year old boy, that is vying for the attention of anyone who will give it to me, and attention is attention, positive or negative.  In addition, it is developmentally appropriate for me to experiment with my body, how it works, and use it to manipulate control, as I am not afforded much being only 2."

Or I could say WHY NOT?!?  It's hilarious!
Look at it this way, at least I'm not biting people anymore.
And this too shall pass...until the next phase!

I Wanna Be A Cowboy, Baby!

So, I've been thinking about a new career, and I think COWBOY is right up my alley!

My Calling

I think I have found my calling (and as an added bonus, a new BFF!).

Recently, I accompanied my sister on her class field trip to Boulder Ridge Wild Animal Park & would like to name it as my new favorite home-away-from-home!
While there "Reptile Rick" very eloquently explained how some of the animals "fling turds" as a defense mechanism.  I love this guy; he speaks my language!

I was able to pet AND hold this gator, I fed a Lemur, got bit by an Emu (only on the finger when I INSISTED Rick pick me up to feed it) and suffered a second bite by a baby Zebra (this time on the face when I tried to give that unappreciative animal a kiss).

I even let some of the more timid classmates feed me raisins because they were too scared to feed the other wild animals.

 

I was also able to steal a very brief ride from this free-range Tortoise.
PS ~ I am required "by law" to mention that the practice of riding Tortoises is both forbidden and frowned upon (luckily I have been dubbed "Little Dude" by Reptile Rick, so I think I'm good)

AKA: Basketball

The most amazing thing happens at the gym every time I am there...
The entire gym is filled with people shooting a big orange ball through a metal hoop hanging from very high in the sky.  I, of course, want to be a part of this exciting activity.

Today, I decided would be the day to interject myself into the fun.  And after easily breaking free from the limp hand hold my Mom had on me, I made a B-Line for the court.
I then loudly announced to the team of annoyed looking players, "I PLAY FAT-BALL!"
The game then came to a screaching pause in play for two reasons;

1 - I just took a header from the ball that was on it's way back to earth,
and
2 - The were having a hard time translating what I had said.  So I repeated...

"DAT MY FAT-BALL, I HAD IT FIRST!"
Annoyed Man: "Where's your Mother?"
Mom (trailing behind slightly): "Sorry. So Sorry."
Me: "YOU HAVE FAT-BALLS!"
Annoyed Man: "What?!?"
Mom: "Sorry, he just really likes Basketball & thinks he is 6-foot-6." (Attempt at a smile)
Me: "GIVE. ME. DA. FAT. BALL!"
Mom (picking me up & turning to leave): "He meant 'basketball'. Sorry. Have a Happy New Year."
Annoyed Man: "Get control of your kid."
Me: "FAT-BALL!"

My Mom thought that was enough said.
I on the other hand had more to say to that rude guy & between you & me...I think I could have taken him down.

Happy New Year?

My Mom looked up the definition of "New Years Resolution" & here's what she found...

4: a formal expression of opinion, will, or intent voted by an official body or assembled group

Since she made the following New Years Resolution FOR ME..."To strive to be a kind, thoughtful, polite, well-behaved boy (so Mommy doesn't resort to drinking)."
I thought I would oblige and put it to a "vote by an official body or assembled group"...YOU, my loyal B-Blog readers.
Please take the poll on the B-Blog page and help me out of this terrible predicament.

A BOY'S GOT TO BE A BOY & that usually has very little to do with being kind, thoughtful, polite, or well-behaved...at least in my world!