Morning Coffee

As I watched my Mom shiver standing at the bus stop this morning from inside the warm car, I thought... what could I do to warm her up and make her day just a little happier?  I then noticed the bottle of "Mommy's Drink" in the trunk space.  Being the thoughtful gentleman that I am, I decided to bring it to her, sacrificing my own warmth and comfort.
When she noticed me toddling towards her with an empty fifth of vodka, she quickly tried to explain to the other mothers (from behind the crimson of her cheeks) that it must have been left in there from her golf weekend with my Dad. I personally don't think she was fooling anyone.  We all know how she gets through a day with me, and it's not with rainbows and sunshine.  Fess up "Lushie", we're onto you!

Taking It Easy

Today I decided to take it easy.  When I went in Riley's room to wake her with a kiss (just as I do every morning) I saw IT just sitting there.  So I took the red sharpie & wrote all over her carpet & sheets & then on myself.  While my mom was trying to "Mr. Clean" that mess, I rolled the empty wine glass that was sitting on my Mom's nightstand down the stairs (in my defense, it very much looked like a ball on a stick).  And while she was sweeping the shattered glass off the floor, I stuffed 11 washcloths down the toilet.
All before 8 am.
It's all part of my master plan to have my mom committed by year's end.

Falling Off The Wagon

Well, I fell off the wagon. It's been almost two months...I haven't even thought about it...and then I saw her.  Those plump, juicy arms were just screaming my name.  Mom Mom looked sadder than the cutie I bit.  It's back to "biters anonymous" for me.  Sorry Mommy (and the cute little nugget girl that has become my latest victim).

Metal Ta-Ta's

In the quiet of the peaceful Cascade Library, I calmly climbed upon the bronze "mother reading" sculpture's lap, gently kissed her nose & said "I give kisses".  In true Brennan form, I then screamed 'BOOBIES" and banged on her metal ta-ta's like steel drums.  That never gets old...even on fake ones!

Public Nudity

I think all of those strict laws on public nudity need some tweeking.  For example...when I escape after my bath & run outside in the buff, the reaction (especially from my Mom) should be happy & not mortified.  Can I get a "Hell Ya" from all of my fellow Bros who just need a little air...

The Power of Knuckles

I just left the Grand Rapids Childrens Museum & went to Memorial Park for a snack with my Mom & sister.  Instead of sitting next to them, I parked it next to the nice man who just got out of the "bath" (my mom keeps calling it a "reflection pool", though) who was talking to himself.  He asked me for a dollar, so I gave him my goldfish crackers.  He asked my mom why I wasn't affraid of him, so I gave him knuckles.  I think he likes me.

Dessert

Raise your hand if you recognize the flaw(s) in this negotiation...
(Mom) "You can't have a popsicle until all of the pizza is gone off of your plate."
Aside from the obvious nutritional flaw, my mom didn't see that putting all of my dinner under my plate was an option.  Thanks for dessert.  B=1, Mom=0.

All Gone

It has been sheer joy for me watching my Mom pull clothes out of the washer with more stains on them then when they went it.  But today, unfortunately, she discovered secret to my "all gone" trick...she caught me putting my chewed up food into my hoodie pockets and smashing it down (to make sure it didn't drop out until the intended time, of course).  I'm sure she thought with my husky physique I MUST be eating it all.  I guess the gig's up.  Now to think of something she would enjoy just as much...

Salesmen

How long does it take a "miracle cleaner" salesman's to pitch his crappy product?  Approximately the same length of time it takes me to color my face with green marker & use sparkly purple butterfly stickers as pasties.  Give or take a second or two.  Serves you right for listening to that garbage, Mom.

Gravity

I wonder why God created gravity if he didn't want me to spit in the air and try to catch it in my mouth?  Or why He created windows if he didn't want them licked?  Or how about door handles (not knobs, I haven't mastered them yet) if I wasn't supposed to use them to escape.  I think I'm the funniest thing in the world when I accomplish any or all of the above...my mom, not so much.

Happy Fathers Day

Wished my Daddy-O a "Happy Fathers Day" by crawling up the covers, from the foot of the bed, and giving him "knuckles"...his cries of delight were an indication of how much he enjoyed it.  Funny thing, though, his "knuckles" were a lot softer than I remember.  Oh well.  HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO THE COOLEST WRESTLING PARTNER AND BEST DAD EVER!