Future Inventor

Dear QVC,
I believe I have something here...follow me for a moment.
Say, you are a two year old boy and need the use of BOTH hands at any given moment, but also need to carry around your favorite lizard.  What's a boy to do, you say? How about the HAMMOCK-HAT?!?  That's right, when your mom isn't looking, find her unmentionables, gently sling your lizard in one of the compartments & place the other convenient compartment on your head.  I think it is going to catch on like those stupid feathers all the girls have in their hair.  I await your prompt and favorable response.  Thank you.
Future Inventor,
Brennan

The Whale Tail

In a narrow aisle in Party City, a very unsuspecting woman shopping for Bat Man wrapping paper, made the mistake of bending over RIGHT IN FRONT of me to expose her "whale tail".  I OF COURSE had to snap it, slap her exposed upper-ass-crack & yell "BUM, BUM, BUM!"
Ladies, let me stress these two very important life lessons...
1 - If you don't want the advances, cover it up!
And,
2 - Ultra low-rise jeans & thongs became inappropriate in your 30's and just sad in your 40's.

Dr. Mom's RX

Hey, Mom...
When the Doctor recommended putting "lots of ice" on your potentially broken thumb, I don't think he meant in your vodka.

Taming the Wild Beast

I tamed the wild beast at "August in Ada".  I rode my first camel & showed him a thing or two about spitting.  His head & neck were saturated with my spittle & there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.  I am the Animal Master!

Being A Dog

I have a confession...
I like to pretend to be a dog...normal, right?  My sisters like to help me pretend to be a dog.  For example, today they helped me out by creating "ears" so I looked more canine.  They were perfect...sticky on the back & soft on the front, cut in an oval, and just stiff enough to stand up straight.  Not to mention they had a "powder fresh" scent to them.  My sisters must really love me.

PS - Dear Parent at the library who judges my mom for letting me pretend to be a dog...I like being a dog!  I like playing fetch, drinking with my tongue from a bowl on the floor & peeing outside (especially peeing outside).  My mom says that pretend play is an appropriate developmental stage that helps foster creativity, empathy & expressing appropriate emotions.  So before you judge, know that she's screwing me up in plenty of other ways that me pretending to be a dog should be the least of your worries.

My Lizard

This is my lizard.  There are so many wonderful things about my lizard.  He is soft & rubbery, so he bends in anyway I choose, rendering him almost indestructible.  He is very elastic, so I can hold his tail while swinging him and reach objects almost 4 feet away from me (including my Mom's coffee cup she "puts in the middle of the counter to keep it safe").  I take my lizard everywhere and sleep with him every night.  Read on to find out what else I like to do with my lizard...

This is just one of the many functions I have found for my lizard.  He fits perfectly in the "car holes" of my Dad's car.  Guess what else fits in the "car holes"?... 2 pink tennis balls, the start of a jump rope, 6 matchbox cars & a bottle of bubbles. Virtually anything you want to cram into a small space can find it's way into this fantastic hiding place.  You should try it too, just don't get caught.  I am the only one who finds this at all amusing.

Elevators

Did you know that you can summon the EGR Police AND Fire Dept with the push of just one button? I KNOW, AWESOME! After faking-out my Mom with some evasive corner back moves, running onto the elevator & watching the doors close on her face just before she could get there (thereby making her scale two flights of stairs in 3.6 sec flat) I was able to call my new friends.

Now I'm not that familiar with the particular look she had, but it was priceless.