Appetite for Excellence

I have very discerning taste buds and refuse to consume anything that offends my delicate palate.

The only problem, I’m two, and my Mother doesn’t think I should be afforded the privilege of making my own eating choices.  (To her credit, I do on occasion feel the need to taste what has come out of my nose and would try to survive on Starburst Candies alone, if given the chance.)

So when I come across something that I find particularly offensive, I have to get creative with trying to dispose of it in a crafty way.

For example, that tall green vegetable called asparagus.

It’s gross.  It looks gross, it tastes gross, it smells gross.  It has one redeeming quality…it fits perfectly in my straw.

Had it not been for my sisters laughing hysterically at my ingenuity, I would have quietly left the table and the Chef would have been none the wiser.

Come on gals, I thought we were on the same team!

Spiderman

Some of the obstacles I encounter throughout the day are really more entertaining than they are bothersome.  Take the dryer, for example.  It serves as both a great launching pad to spring into a cushy laundry basket as well as a fantastic stepstool to reach new heights.  Today I decided to use it for the latter.
Before you freak out, know that I am a trained professional and have been perfecting this move in my gymnastics class for months now.  My coach likes to call it “The Butterfly”.  I on the other hand, from now on will call it “The Aspiring Spider”.

The only answer I could conjure up when my Mom found me trying to scuttle my way atop the laundry room shelf was, “I need be up dare”.

Needless to say, my attempt was cut short by the destroyer of fun I call Mom.
What else is a 2 year old boy to do IN MICHIGAN, IN FEBRUARY?!?

Freedom!

Truism #1: I have been contained for 2 years, 10 months & 36 days.
Truism #2: I am smart AND I am resourceful.
Truism #3: I’ve got things to do.

They knew it was coming.  It was inevitable.

You would think my parents would have been better prepared for my unavoidable escape from the captivity of my crib.  I think they’ve been in denial.

The ease with which I can catapult myself over the edge, shimmy down the side, and stick a virtually noiseless landing is embarrassing to admit.  I’m sure I could have accomplished this months (if not years) ago and have chosen to remain inactive for far too long.

 My once 3+ hour long nap has been abruptly cut in half by my desire to have some unsupervised exploration time.  Let’s take today for example…

After quietly waking from my short slumber and making a stealth-like break out from the confines of my bed, I decided to investigate a long standing question in my brain: “Knobs?  What’s the point?”

Look closely, notice anything?  It took my Mom a few blinks to figure it out, too.

In my opinion, I found a much better place for them. I mean, what’s a dump truck with nothing to haul?

I look forward to sharing some of my other explorations and discoveries with you…stay tuned.

The Great One

As an incentive to listen and stay on task during class, we are rewarded with a sticker when gymnastics is through.  Typically my teacher puts the sticker of your choice on either your hand, or if you are feeling adventurous, on your cheek.

I, for one, do not enjoy stickers on my hand or my cheek.
They just don’t look cool.  They often fall off within the first five minutes of application.  Not to mention, have you ever tried to peel a sticker off your cheek?  It’s not fun.

So when my teacher brought forth my reward sticker, I thought I would try a little something different to entice the ladies…

Teacher: “Brennan, you did a great job in class today!  Here’s your sticker.”
Me: “Put it on my penis.”
My Mom: “Oh! My! God!”

To steal a line from The Great One, “You miss 100% of the shots you never take.”
It was worth the shot.  I think Wayne Gretzky would have applauded my efforts far more than my Mother did.

Licking Therapy

When life gets you down, just do what I do...
Lick things!

Don’t believe me?  Here are two examples of how licking things will dramatically improve your outlook:

 Example #1:
When I find something that I don't recognize, naturally my first instinct is to use my tongue to identify its origin.  Nine times out of ten it’s a pleasant surprise & my day just got better.

 Example #2:
If you are looking to enliven your day (and as an added bonus, a friend’s day as well), lick their cheek.  I have yet to meet someone who can’t help but smile when they think a sweet intentioned kiss is on the way & instead they get accosted by my lizard tongue.

 So go out, spread the love & enjoy a day of licking…you’ll thank me for it.

Pick-Up Lines

I know you fellas are always looking for some tried-and-true go to pick-up lines, so I thought I would compile some of my sure-fire lines that have gotten me more attention than my Mom cares to mention.

A few words of caution when attempting to implement the pick-up…
1) The delivery requires an exaggerated sense of innocence.
2) Chubby cheeks are recommended, but not required.
3) Annunciating every word is optional; a little mystery in the translation never hurt anyone.
4) When all else fails, pick your nose.  It throws them for such a loop they will forget all about the failed attempt at trying to impress them & they usually just quietly leave.

"Don't touch my boobs, I touch you boobs!"

"You pretty. There a tooty in my booty."

“Good morning ladies, where you candy?”

“Hi, I Brennan, I eat boogers.”

“My Dad a penis.”

“I cold, put me in you coat.”

“Where you put you money?”

“Look at dat…I spit on you.”

“Where you belly?  Show me!”

“I sleep in crib. I pee in potty.”

“You smell like peanuts.”

“My straw fit in my ear.”

“Dis cheese taste bad.  You try.”

“Put you head here, I give you haircut.”

“I go with you.  You carry me.  I wipe my nose on you.”

“Hello.  I pinch.”

And my personal favorite…

"You noodles, I sauce, lay down!"


These timeless clasics are sure to amaze and woo even the hardest nut to crack.
I, for one, will be using them for years to come.

Keep me posted on your success...

Cause & Effect

My day…

Wake up in a puddle of pee.

Fall down 4 stairs on my way to breakfast.

Throw my French Toast Sticks in the toilet.

Go to the Gym Childcare & immediately pinch one of my friends.

Tattle on myself to the Childcare worker & ask to be put in time-out.

After time-out #1, pinch another friend, tattle on myself & ask to be put in time-out.

After time-out #2, pinch another friend, tattle on myself & ask to be put in time-out.

After time-out #3, they page my Mom.

Elated to see her, I fess up to all of the shenanigans that have just transpired & say “I pinch, I go time-out, Mommy comes!”

Go to my Dad’s office to tell him about said incident at the Gym & spit all over the car window.

Take a long, quiet ride home because now BOTH parents are upset.

Fall off the chair while eating lunch.

Too damn upset to finish lunch, so I take a long nap.

Wake up from nap with a bloody nose.

Go to the bus stop to get my sister, slip on the ice & bruise my rear.

Make Valentine cards and manage to glue my finger in my ear & paper to my eyebrow.

Pee in my Mom’s rain boots.

Eat a big dinner (I was really hungry since my first two meals didn’t go so well).

Take a bath.

Get removed from the bath for dumping a mug of water on the floor.

Sit in the dark, quietly rocking with my Mom as she says our nightly prayers, hugs me & tells me she loves me. 

While I’m sleeping…

Mommy sits in the dark, in the tub with a washcloth on her eyes and a pitcher of Martinis.