Awkward Silence

Have you ever had the urge to just say what’s on your mind?  If the answer is “yes”, then we are cut from the same cloth.  I often have this urge, and unfortunately, haven’t developed the necessary “filter” that some (but not most) adults have formed. 

Case in point…

While waiting to check out at Gordon’s Foods yesterday, I had time to size up the cashier & decided I would ask him a few questions.  Unbeknownst to my Mom, I had been admiring her low-cut sweater all morning & noticed the cashier also marveling at the blue and green in her shirt.

So, when it was our turn to give the cashier our money, I said to him “You touch Mommy's boobs?  I touch Mommy’s boobs!”  With that, I happily gave her exposed skin a thump and a shake.

Behind the red of his cheeks, the clearing of his throat and his half-smirk, that mortified cashier managed to hand my Mom her receipt and mutter, “Have a nice day.”  All the while keeping his eyes diverted down.

My Mom said nothing; not even on the way home.

She must have a really good filter.

Operation Golden Shower

I've been busy.

My newest obsession has elicited words from my Mother such as unacceptable, disgusting, disconcerting & (my personal favorite) WTF?!?

The only word I don't understand why she keeps using is "WHY?"  (More on this later...)

Discovering the convenience and versatility of my favorite boy pee-stick has been nothing short of my most educational and entertaining escapade yet.
Not sure if you are aware, but boys can relieve themselves anywhere.  Now, when I say anywhere, I mean ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, ANYHOW.

I don't try to hide it, but I do enjoy the challenge of completing the task in record time.
My routine consists of the following:
1) Look innocent & occupied.
2) Wait for the opportune time (ideally it's when my Mom is distracted with a task).
3) Pull my elastic wasted pants down to my knees & let it fly!
4) Laugh maniacally & try to finish before my Mom can reach me.

I am not picky about where I go, although I have learned that trying to pull off this maneuver outside has proven to be a poorly thought out plan.  My last attempt landed me face down (and pants down) in the snow & that shock of coldness on the boy-parts can stun even a trained professional, like myself, to a screeching halt.

I have successfully managed to execute the plan I like to refer to as "Operation Golden Shower" in the following places:
the heat vent, the toy box, my car seat, on my sister at the dinner table, the pantry, the pots & pans cupboard, the dryer, the garbage can, anywhere on the floor, my sister's Barbie house, and the sink.  The list is really endless; as I'm sure my Mom has yet to find a few of my sneakier hidden locations.

My Mom is at a loss.
I've heard her say, "it's like we've adopted a puppy!"
She has resorted to pants with buttons (as I have yet to master the dexterity required to undo said buttons) & overalls.  Have no fear; I can pull them down just far enough to do what I need to do.

Now back to the "Why?"...
Really?  You have to ask?
I could give you the clinical answer, and say "I am the third-born, a 2 year old boy, that is vying for the attention of anyone who will give it to me, and attention is attention, positive or negative.  In addition, it is developmentally appropriate for me to experiment with my body, how it works, and use it to manipulate control, as I am not afforded much being only 2."

Or I could say WHY NOT?!?  It's hilarious!
Look at it this way, at least I'm not biting people anymore.
And this too shall pass...until the next phase!

I Wanna Be A Cowboy, Baby!

So, I've been thinking about a new career, and I think COWBOY is right up my alley!

My Calling

I think I have found my calling (and as an added bonus, a new BFF!).

Recently, I accompanied my sister on her class field trip to Boulder Ridge Wild Animal Park & would like to name it as my new favorite home-away-from-home!
While there "Reptile Rick" very eloquently explained how some of the animals "fling turds" as a defense mechanism.  I love this guy; he speaks my language!

I was able to pet AND hold this gator, I fed a Lemur, got bit by an Emu (only on the finger when I INSISTED Rick pick me up to feed it) and suffered a second bite by a baby Zebra (this time on the face when I tried to give that unappreciative animal a kiss).

I even let some of the more timid classmates feed me raisins because they were too scared to feed the other wild animals.

 

I was also able to steal a very brief ride from this free-range Tortoise.
PS ~ I am required "by law" to mention that the practice of riding Tortoises is both forbidden and frowned upon (luckily I have been dubbed "Little Dude" by Reptile Rick, so I think I'm good)

AKA: Basketball

The most amazing thing happens at the gym every time I am there...
The entire gym is filled with people shooting a big orange ball through a metal hoop hanging from very high in the sky.  I, of course, want to be a part of this exciting activity.

Today, I decided would be the day to interject myself into the fun.  And after easily breaking free from the limp hand hold my Mom had on me, I made a B-Line for the court.
I then loudly announced to the team of annoyed looking players, "I PLAY FAT-BALL!"
The game then came to a screaching pause in play for two reasons;

1 - I just took a header from the ball that was on it's way back to earth,
and
2 - The were having a hard time translating what I had said.  So I repeated...

"DAT MY FAT-BALL, I HAD IT FIRST!"
Annoyed Man: "Where's your Mother?"
Mom (trailing behind slightly): "Sorry. So Sorry."
Me: "YOU HAVE FAT-BALLS!"
Annoyed Man: "What?!?"
Mom: "Sorry, he just really likes Basketball & thinks he is 6-foot-6." (Attempt at a smile)
Me: "GIVE. ME. DA. FAT. BALL!"
Mom (picking me up & turning to leave): "He meant 'basketball'. Sorry. Have a Happy New Year."
Annoyed Man: "Get control of your kid."
Me: "FAT-BALL!"

My Mom thought that was enough said.
I on the other hand had more to say to that rude guy & between you & me...I think I could have taken him down.

Happy New Year?

My Mom looked up the definition of "New Years Resolution" & here's what she found...

4: a formal expression of opinion, will, or intent voted by an official body or assembled group

Since she made the following New Years Resolution FOR ME..."To strive to be a kind, thoughtful, polite, well-behaved boy (so Mommy doesn't resort to drinking)."
I thought I would oblige and put it to a "vote by an official body or assembled group"...YOU, my loyal B-Blog readers.
Please take the poll on the B-Blog page and help me out of this terrible predicament.

A BOY'S GOT TO BE A BOY & that usually has very little to do with being kind, thoughtful, polite, or well-behaved...at least in my world!

The Many Uses Of Legos + 1

How many uses can you come up with for Legos?
I have one more for you...

My sister spent minutes building a hollow tower out of Mega Block Legos.  She was so proud of her masterpiece.  When she left to get a Barbie to live in her tower, I took full advantage of the opportunity to utilize it for what I saw would be a better use...

Before anyone knew what was happening, I pulled down my pants & squeezed out what minimal pee I had left (as I had recently used the actual toilet to relieve myself).

Bet you didn't see that one coming...neither did my sister.