The Birthday Present

Let me start by saying, I didn’t think it possible that two women could actually find something to say to each other for three hours straight, but my Mom & her friend managed to accomplish just that and then some, as they were still talking as we walked the car to leave, with the promise to continue the conversation at a later date.

After our three hour “just stop by for a second to say Happy Birthday” visit, where six kids were left to fend for themselves while the moms chit-chatted, I thought I would leave the birthday girl a little present on her front walk.  (To protect the innocent, I’ve decided to refer to the afore mentioned birthday girl as “Mrs. Willemin” from now on).

As I walked to the car, I realized I had not used the bathroom during our entire stay.  True to form, I stopped halfway down “Mrs. Willemin’s” sidewalk, turned around, pulled my running pants to my ankles and wrote my name in urine.  I should have written “Happy Birthday”, but seeing as I am only three, spelling is not my forte.

My mortified Mother yelled for me to pull my pants up as she put on her boots, but I saw how funny everyone (including the “try to hide your laughter behind your hand Mrs. Willemin”) thought it was and decided to finish my “message”.

So enjoy your present, not everyone gets a custom made gift from a sudo-celebrity on their birthday.

HAPPY BIRFDAY TO YOU, “MRS. WILLEMIN”!

Buddy Day Birthday

Hangin’ with my Homies at my birthday party was the best gift I could have received…I thought.

We had donuts, opened presents, jumped on the trampoline, played in the sand box & played games (did I mention we did ALL of this outside on March 19…in Michigan?!?)

Then, as if some Alien-Fun-Mom took over my Mom’s body, she dangled an oversized basketball from the deck above, gave us all a bat & said we could go to town beating the daylights out of this object.  Seriously?

Again, best gift ever…I thought.

Somehow amidst the flurry of the beat-down we were giving this poor ball, Brady noticed something fall from the sky.  On cue, all four of us stopped, looked to the ground and saw IT.

Wide-eyed and open-mouthed we stood there staring at this gift from heaven.  I finally spoke and said, “DAT CANDY!”

Once more on cue, we all realized that this treat had actually fallen from the big orange fun ball we had been beating with our bats.  So I thought, “What if there’s more?”

Could it be?

Without hesitation, I swung like my life depended on it & smashed it to oblivion.

The rain storm of sweet treats was more than we could handle and we were overcome with excitement at the sight. We giggled like 2-year-old girls, dropped where we were & started opening.

After 10 whole minutes of gluttony, my Mom finally decided to stop the madness & she scooped up what was left of our haul. We didn’t care, we were too high on sugar and excitement to even notice.

BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!

Gift Giving

Today I saw a pretty (what I thought was a) fly sitting next to the door & thought my Mom would also like to share this splendor of nature.

Very stealth-like, I walked up to him and gently pinched him between my fingers to bring it to my Mom.

Much to my surprise, HE WAS NOT A FLY, HE WAS A WASP...AND THE BASTARD STUNG MY THUMB! In a rage, I threw him on the ground and stomped him to a flat death.

That's the last time I try to be nice and bring my mom a pretty gift!

Tub Time

I am secure enough in my masculinity to confess that I love the tub, but I really love the bubbles that go along with the tub.

3...2...1...BLAST OFF!

Frankly, I can’t think of a more appropriate date for my birthday.  Three years ago, on 3/21, I came into this world like a bat out of Hell, and haven’t stopped to look back (which, from what I’ve heard, I wouldn’t have wanted to see anyways).

I have spent the last three years preparing my family, friends, and the world for what is to come under the reign of Brennan.  Giving everyone a little taste of life with Master-B at the helm has been eventful, entertaining and downright hilarious for all to see and experience.

Raise your pints and toast to the life you once knew, because in 2056, on my 47^th birthday, you will be captivated and entranced by the slogan “B-4-P In The Land Of The Free!”

So enjoy another year of what The-B and The-Blogs have to offer.  Because if 2 was good, 3 will be awesome!  Hold on and enjoy the ride, it only gets better from here!

PS – Happy Birthday to the twin I left behind.  Our family thinks it was God’s Plan that I was all this world could handle, but together I know we would have ruled the world, Brother!

Goodbye Terrible Twos!

Today is my last day of being 2.  I’ve heard this year is called “The Terrible Twos”, so I’ve decided to send it out in a similar style to which I’ve lived it…full throttle.

Since the moment I rolled my aggressive behind out of bed this morning, I’ve been a complete nuisance, irrationally naughty, and downright angry.

I’m sure my Mom is thinking this all ends tomorrow…I’ll be 3, after all!
I say, just wait.  The only difference is I’ll be bigger, older, smarter, stronger, and know more words (and not the kind you were hoping I knew).

In a nutshell, take my age of 2, multiply it by 6, subtract 3 then take the square root and you have one of two things…someone with an aching brain from simple math or better yet, ME!

Look out world, I’ve got plans!

Wild, Wild West

I am easily enticed to behave during our frequent trips to the grocery store when the incentive is a ride on the mighty stallion “Sandy”.  For a mere penny, I can enjoy 60 seconds of blissful and imaginative heaven, envisioning the freedom of riding the plains on my trusty steed.

Then the music stops, my Mom puts me back in the cart and I’m sadly brought back to the reality of my non-horse existence.

Someday my Love, someday I will find a way to free you and we can fulfill our dreams of livin’ the good life.  Maybe when I'm 3...

Be Specific...

As you know, I always listen.  I always do exactly as I am told.
So when the instructions were given, “Please go pee before you get in the car.” I was happy to oblige.

Without question, I took myself out to the garage, opened the car door, stood on the running boards, relieved myself on the garage floor and got in the car.  I even hopped into my car seat and attempted to buckle.

When questioned about my motives, simply put, I said, “I go pee.  I get in car.”

Naturally, I was confused by my Mother’s disapproving reaction.  Put that deep sigh and eye roll away, Lady.  As far as I am concerned, I did nothing wrong.  As a matter of fact, I think a “thank you” is in order for my obedience.

Anything For My Girl

Being the chivalrous gentleman that I am, I will always willingly offer up the 5-point harness car seat for my lady Ellie to sit in, while I show off just how awesome I am, and sit in the high-back booster with the over-the-shoulder lap belt.

While the convenience of my sitting in this type seat is appealing, my spontaneity should be the overwhelming factor in the decision to upgrade my travel accommodations.  Case in point…

On the way home from a lovely date with my girl, I impulsively decided to unbuckle and relocate where I was sitting in the car.  My Mom was too busy paying attention to the road to even notice my repositioning…that is until Ellie ratted me out.

In her soft and demure voice, she calmly said “Why Brennan walk around?”

With that, I was caught.

Come on, girl!  I just took you to gymnastics followed by blueberry muffins and chocolate milk at Panera, and this is how you repay me?
Who am I kidding? My Ellie can do no wrong, and I will always come back for more.

So, it’s back to the 5-point harness for me, no matter how pitifully I plead otherwise.

Snapping Turtle

I’m growing.  You’d think that was a good thing.  After much debate and analysis, here’s what I’ve decided are the pros and the cons to this situation.

PRO: I can reach most of the light switches in the house.

CON: I can reach only most of the light switches.  What kind of sadistic builder puts only some switches within arms-length and the rest just a little higher?

PRO: The “good shelf” in the pantry (which has always been just above where I could reach) is now completely accessible.

CON: What used to be a seamless pass underneath the counter overhang has turned into a painful reminder for my frontal lobe that I have exceeded the height limit for passage.

PRO: I no longer need to stand on a stool when I use the little boy’s room (which is very helpful since my planning ahead needs some tweaking and I am usually in a hurry to get started).

CON: When the situation has turned to “emergency” because I inevitably waited too long, my mind is on relieving myself and not the physics of hinges.  As in, while simultaneously pulling my pants down and flipping the toilet seat up, I neglected to factor in the ricochet of the seat bouncing off the tank and back to its starting position.
The problem…In the nanosecond it took to flip the seat up, I have already positioned myself flush against the rim of the toilet and started to go. 
The result…Midstream, my delicate boy parts get crushed between the porcelain base and the plastic seat pinching together like the jaws of a hungry snapping turtle.
My reaction…In a rage I kick the toilet, punch the lid and yell “I NO PEE IN YOU!”

I think I’ve decided the PRO’s do not outweigh the CON’s.  I’m sure you all (at least my male counterparts) would agree.  My vote…no more growing.  I’ll let you know how that goes.

Growing Up

It’s about time that I am no longer subjected to sustaining a potential head contusion while simply trying to get out of bed.  After much denial, my Mom finally admitted that taking the front rail off of my crib was necessary for two very important reasons:
1. The obvious safety hazard of a small boy shimmying down the front of a much larger object to the unyielding floor below,
And
2. I AM ALMOST 3 & NOT A BABY ANYMORE!

You would think I was just sentenced to life in prison the way that woman cried and carried on.

She quickly got over her nostalgic cry-fest when I took the liberty of removing myself from my bed more times than necessary…all night long…just because I could.

Get used to it lady.  I'm growing up.  So don't blink.