J
I turned 5,
J
Traveled to the Magical Land of Disney,
J
Graduated preschool,
J
Became obsessed with my butt,
J
Learned to swim the backstroke,
J
Played a successful season of T-Ball.
All this packed into a few short months.
Most of the milestones are self-explanatory, but let me elaborate on my latest obsession, my bum, my rump, my backside, my bottom…whatever you call it, it’s all good.
I find it hilarious. Everything about it…the noises it makes, the capabilities it has, the reaction it evokes from merely saying its name. In a word, it’s amazing.
I am, however, the only one (in my immediate family at least) that finds it as functional and funny as I do. What was once a source of slight amusement for my sister Riley, is now cause for cringing and tattling.
Case in point…
To spice up our nightly routine a bit, I thought I would use my latest obsession to stir up some funny. In my most helpful voice, I sweetly called to Riley that I had finished brushing my teeth and the bathroom was hers for the using.
Unsuspectingly, she rounded the corner to a sight only the truly disturbed would appreciate, and my only regret (at this point) was the inability to simultaneously be an observer and a participant.
Entering the room to the sweet serenade of an original song I like to call “Jingle Butt” (go ahead and sing along as you visualize the scene…it’s sung to the tune of “Jingle Bells”, yet all of the lyrics are replaced with the word “butt”.)
There I stood, singing my tune, bobbing up and down to the beat, completely naked, backside out, half bent over, with her toothbrush perched within the confines of my cheeks like a flag being raised at dawn.
Between the barely audible cries of horror, she was somehow able to mutter the words of indictment that immediately brought my parents in on the fun.
I am not sure of the exact amount of time it took them to process the scene, but after a brief pause for judgment, they quickly removed the bristles from their hiding place and carried me to my room as I tried to catch my breath from laughing so hard.
I don’t even remember the scolding I received, as my euphoric mind was still reeling from the monumental prank I had just pulled off.
Our nightly routine has since been modified, including (but not limited to) the supervised observation of both putting on my pj’s as well as all bathroom activities.
In addition to the new regulations, I also had to purchase a new toothbrush for my sister with my own hard-earned money.
One soft grip toothbrush = $3.
One more reason having a younger brother is the most aggravating, exciting, irreplaceable experience any child could ask for = Priceless.
