Snapping Turtle

I’m growing.  You’d think that was a good thing.  After much debate and analysis, here’s what I’ve decided are the pros and the cons to this situation.

PRO: I can reach most of the light switches in the house.

CON: I can reach only most of the light switches.  What kind of sadistic builder puts only some switches within arms-length and the rest just a little higher?

PRO: The “good shelf” in the pantry (which has always been just above where I could reach) is now completely accessible.

CON: What used to be a seamless pass underneath the counter overhang has turned into a painful reminder for my frontal lobe that I have exceeded the height limit for passage.

PRO: I no longer need to stand on a stool when I use the little boy’s room (which is very helpful since my planning ahead needs some tweaking and I am usually in a hurry to get started).

CON: When the situation has turned to “emergency” because I inevitably waited too long, my mind is on relieving myself and not the physics of hinges.  As in, while simultaneously pulling my pants down and flipping the toilet seat up, I neglected to factor in the ricochet of the seat bouncing off the tank and back to its starting position.
The problem…In the nanosecond it took to flip the seat up, I have already positioned myself flush against the rim of the toilet and started to go. 
The result…Midstream, my delicate boy parts get crushed between the porcelain base and the plastic seat pinching together like the jaws of a hungry snapping turtle.
My reaction…In a rage I kick the toilet, punch the lid and yell “I NO PEE IN YOU!”

I think I’ve decided the PRO’s do not outweigh the CON’s.  I’m sure you all (at least my male counterparts) would agree.  My vote…no more growing.  I’ll let you know how that goes.

Growing Up

It’s about time that I am no longer subjected to sustaining a potential head contusion while simply trying to get out of bed.  After much denial, my Mom finally admitted that taking the front rail off of my crib was necessary for two very important reasons:
1. The obvious safety hazard of a small boy shimmying down the front of a much larger object to the unyielding floor below,
And
2. I AM ALMOST 3 & NOT A BABY ANYMORE!

You would think I was just sentenced to life in prison the way that woman cried and carried on.

She quickly got over her nostalgic cry-fest when I took the liberty of removing myself from my bed more times than necessary…all night long…just because I could.

Get used to it lady.  I'm growing up.  So don't blink.

Appetite for Excellence

I have very discerning taste buds and refuse to consume anything that offends my delicate palate.

The only problem, I’m two, and my Mother doesn’t think I should be afforded the privilege of making my own eating choices.  (To her credit, I do on occasion feel the need to taste what has come out of my nose and would try to survive on Starburst Candies alone, if given the chance.)

So when I come across something that I find particularly offensive, I have to get creative with trying to dispose of it in a crafty way.

For example, that tall green vegetable called asparagus.

It’s gross.  It looks gross, it tastes gross, it smells gross.  It has one redeeming quality…it fits perfectly in my straw.

Had it not been for my sisters laughing hysterically at my ingenuity, I would have quietly left the table and the Chef would have been none the wiser.

Come on gals, I thought we were on the same team!

Spiderman

Some of the obstacles I encounter throughout the day are really more entertaining than they are bothersome.  Take the dryer, for example.  It serves as both a great launching pad to spring into a cushy laundry basket as well as a fantastic stepstool to reach new heights.  Today I decided to use it for the latter.
Before you freak out, know that I am a trained professional and have been perfecting this move in my gymnastics class for months now.  My coach likes to call it “The Butterfly”.  I on the other hand, from now on will call it “The Aspiring Spider”.

The only answer I could conjure up when my Mom found me trying to scuttle my way atop the laundry room shelf was, “I need be up dare”.

Needless to say, my attempt was cut short by the destroyer of fun I call Mom.
What else is a 2 year old boy to do IN MICHIGAN, IN FEBRUARY?!?

Freedom!

Truism #1: I have been contained for 2 years, 10 months & 36 days.
Truism #2: I am smart AND I am resourceful.
Truism #3: I’ve got things to do.

They knew it was coming.  It was inevitable.

You would think my parents would have been better prepared for my unavoidable escape from the captivity of my crib.  I think they’ve been in denial.

The ease with which I can catapult myself over the edge, shimmy down the side, and stick a virtually noiseless landing is embarrassing to admit.  I’m sure I could have accomplished this months (if not years) ago and have chosen to remain inactive for far too long.

 My once 3+ hour long nap has been abruptly cut in half by my desire to have some unsupervised exploration time.  Let’s take today for example…

After quietly waking from my short slumber and making a stealth-like break out from the confines of my bed, I decided to investigate a long standing question in my brain: “Knobs?  What’s the point?”

Look closely, notice anything?  It took my Mom a few blinks to figure it out, too.

In my opinion, I found a much better place for them. I mean, what’s a dump truck with nothing to haul?

I look forward to sharing some of my other explorations and discoveries with you…stay tuned.

The Great One

As an incentive to listen and stay on task during class, we are rewarded with a sticker when gymnastics is through.  Typically my teacher puts the sticker of your choice on either your hand, or if you are feeling adventurous, on your cheek.

I, for one, do not enjoy stickers on my hand or my cheek.
They just don’t look cool.  They often fall off within the first five minutes of application.  Not to mention, have you ever tried to peel a sticker off your cheek?  It’s not fun.

So when my teacher brought forth my reward sticker, I thought I would try a little something different to entice the ladies…

Teacher: “Brennan, you did a great job in class today!  Here’s your sticker.”
Me: “Put it on my penis.”
My Mom: “Oh! My! God!”

To steal a line from The Great One, “You miss 100% of the shots you never take.”
It was worth the shot.  I think Wayne Gretzky would have applauded my efforts far more than my Mother did.

Licking Therapy

When life gets you down, just do what I do...
Lick things!

Don’t believe me?  Here are two examples of how licking things will dramatically improve your outlook:

 Example #1:
When I find something that I don't recognize, naturally my first instinct is to use my tongue to identify its origin.  Nine times out of ten it’s a pleasant surprise & my day just got better.

 Example #2:
If you are looking to enliven your day (and as an added bonus, a friend’s day as well), lick their cheek.  I have yet to meet someone who can’t help but smile when they think a sweet intentioned kiss is on the way & instead they get accosted by my lizard tongue.

 So go out, spread the love & enjoy a day of licking…you’ll thank me for it.