Withdrawal

I. NEED. MORE. CANDY!
While taking my sister outside for her carpool ride, my Mom left me alone with my NEW addiction & I found "the stash".  I couldn't help myself, I jumped right in the bucket & dug in.
While still chewing the Twix and Hershey Kiss, I shoved a Twizzler in.  I don't even need to chew, just ingest.

Why would such a "holiday" be created?  It's like having "national crack day" & giving everyone just one hit for free.  You know they will come back for more...they have to.
Now my Mom is cutting me off COLD TURKEY!  I saw her dump the bucket of goodness in the trash...THE WHOLE BUCKET!  Now what am I supposed to do?  Maybe toothpaste has some high fructose corn syrup, I can lick the bathroom counters and get at least a few grams.

I can already feel the shakes coming on!  WHY?!?  Just one hit to help with the withdrawal!
Someone, Anyone, PLEASE bring me some candy.  I will pay, oh, I will pay plenty!

Searching...       

JACKPOT!!!

Women: Lesson 3

"Everything I need to know about women, I learned from THE B!"
Lesson 3:
Being only 2, I don't claim to know much about women, but this much I know to be true:
1) There's usually a method to their madness.
And,
2) "The Look" followed by, "I told you so" is just about the most humbling statements they can utter.

Take it from me fellas, when a women nicely "asks" you to do something, don't question, just say "Yes, Dear" and move on.

*For a practical application of this lesson, see: "Disappearing Act X 10 + Danger = Near Heart Attack"

Disappearing Act X 10 + Danger = Near Heart Attack

My Mom still wonders why my Dad questions her decisions to do things.
For example...my car seat is placed in the third row of her SUV.  Why?  If you recall, I enjoy rolling down the widow & making my shoes disappear.
On this particular day, in a hasty rush, my Dad put my seat in the middle row & neglected to enable the "child safety lock" on the door.  I quietly took off my shoes and grabbed two books.  While traveling at a swift 45 MPH, the overhead lights and the loud dinging from the alert system notified my parents that I had thrown open the door & almost simultaneously out went my sandals & the books.
After the screaming stopped, the panic subsided , and she determined her pulse was at an acceptable rate, my Mom gave my Dad "The Look".

As a follow-up, see "Women: Lesson 3, Everything I need to know about women, I learned from THE B!'"

Mixed Messages

Just spent the evening in the most peculiar way.  My mom put me in a Mickey Mouse suit, gave me a bucket, and sent me out the door to go knocking on all of my neighbors door's asking for candy.  All I had to do was say "Trick-Or-Treat" then "Thank You".

WHAT?!

She spends 364 other days a year keeping candy from me and telling me to leave the neighbors alone.
Talk about mixed messages.
I am now trying to come out of the sugar coma from the 47 lbs of sugar I consumed in the form of full-size candy bars, multiple feet of licorice, and the 3 foot gummy-snake my mom got me.  That's right, the woman gave me three feet of chewy heaven & thought I would use my best judgement in "stopping when I had enough".  Don't you know "enough" to a two year old is when I fall to the floor in convulsions from the overdose of toxins.

Let's review...

1) Pretend to be somebody else. Check.

2) Get a bucket. Check.

3) Approach strangers and beg for food. Check.

4) As long as you say "Thank You", you can go to the next stranger and repeat step 3 until you're too cold to stay out any longer. Got it.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Underwear Pockets

BEST INVENTION EVER...Underwear pockets!  I don't know why they are placed in the front, it makes carrying things a bit awkward, but still awesome none the less.
So many perks...hiding my sister's "littlest pet shop" dogs, hanging an umbrella, placing lost change I come across, & the obvious, a convenient pocket to rest my tired hand in.
Like most cool things invented by a man with a man (or aspiring man) in mind I can't wait to see what other treasures it will hold and, more importantly, what other functions it possesses.

My Addiction

For those of you who are unaware of the addiction I have been fighting for over a year now, it's time I came clean and admitted that I may have a biting problem.  It's a tough battle that I fight every day, but I am working hard to overcome it.
I have been asked to "take a break" (my Mom calls it "getting kicked out") from two separate Gym daycare rooms, and my Mom is starting to blame my "illness" (A&E calls it that, so I will too) for the "extra-10" she's mysteriously packed on.
The only thing I have going for me is I usually let someone know it's coming (it's only fair) and then I willing put myself into a "Time-Out" (just cutting out the middle man).
Now, I'm not trying to justify the "why" (although I do believe I have a valid reason for each and every nibble...from self-defense to displaced shows of affection).
Nor will I point the finger at any particular influence.
But...

Lets call a spade a spade here, Folks.
This is an excerpt from my all-time FAVORITE book, "Hop On Pop".  I think the picture speaks for itself.
More critical analysis of this timeless classic in future posts...

Child Locks

The only thing that "child locks" on cupboards keep out are adults. I can squeeze my fat little nugget arm into the small gap & get out my arsenal of spray bottles anytime I feel the need for a little sniper-action.
My mom made the mistake of trying to confiscate my stolen bottle of Windex & I tagged her right between the eyes.
Stand back, Sista, I don't have to miss.