Women: Lesson 2

"Everything I need to know about women, I learned from THE B!"
Lesson 2:
While chillin' with my "neighborhood hottie", I turned my back on her for one second & BAM!  A chilly reminder as to why you never turn your back on a woman...especially if that lady has seen the pics you posted with your "out-of-neighborhood hottie."  Lesson learned.

Women: Lesson 1

I'm thinking of branching out to other blogs... coming soon:
"Everything I need to know about women, I learned from THE B!"
Lesson 1:
Show up unannounced at your lady's house on her birthday with flowers and a balloon.  When she answers (& all of her relatives HAPPEN to be there with her) give her the gifts, a kiss & then turn to leave.  After your mom straps you in your car seat, patiently wait 25 years until she's of-age to marry you.  In the mean time, add more shenanigans to The B-Blogs.
Hopefully she has forgiven (and forgotten) the minor infraction of biting her face (twice) you are guilty of...even if your shirt gives you away.

The Blender

Guess what happens when you reach your arm around your Mom really stealth-like to turn on a blender that has a metal spoon in it (while your Mom is standing right next to it, snapping the cup lid on the smoothie she just poured)?
After the shards of plastic stop flying, the glass pitcher has landed (in one piece, remarkably) & the smoothie has COVERED the room...your Mom starts to cry.  Then she starts talking about drinking...the smoothie all over her face must have made her thirsty.

Parmesan Cheese

Parmesan cheese...good on pasta, GREAT for dumping an entire can on a glass-top coffee table & driving my trains through!  It looks like the first tire tracks on freshly fallen snow.  How serene.
My moms reaction...not so serene.  Way to kill the mood, Lady.

Disappearing Act

She's on the brink folks...
My Mom thought she was going CRAZY when she swore (a few times) that I had shoes on when we left the house for the gymnastics open house, only to discover my bare feet and innocent smile when we arrived.  Little did she know that I did actually have them on, but she made the mistake of not locking the windows of the car, making my "disappearing act" possible.
My Dad had to go and foil my plot by finding them on the road right by our mailbox, AND he ratted me out.  Work with me, Man, we are on the same team.

Dads Turn

During a brief shopping trip to Meijer (there were only two items on his list), my Dad decided it would be quicker to NOT get a basket to contain me.  Mistake #1.
He successfully found the coffee with me in tow, and was off to the pop aisle.  While searching for the Coke, my Dad was momentarily distracted and took his eyes off me.  Mistake #2.
Luckily for me, the pop aisle is "built" from stacks of cases of pop with approximately 12 inches between between flavors.  I squeezed my body between the sprite & diet coke and sat very quietly.  Watching my Dad run up and down the aisles in a panic was more than I could handle, and I couldn't contain my laughter anymore.  It was the giggle that gave me away.  He finally found my awesome hiding place and my gig was up.  Just a little taste of what I dish out to my Mom daily.
Lesson learned.

Dips

Like the juice-heads before me, the decline after a 'roid high has been dramatic and brutal.  I have been a certifiable A-Hole all week.  From taking my shoes off in stores & maliciously throwing them at unsuspecting passer-byers, to sneaking up behind my sisters and pulling them to the ground by their hair.
I have also discovered the joy of some new-found strength.  Because my rear is smaller than the opening of the commode, I have to support myself with stiff arms while sitting upon it.  The strength comes in the form of my new favorite exercise, tricep-dips.  While supporting myself, I have found the joy in "dipping" my rump into the bowl below.  As an added bonus, I now have a "poor-man's Bede".  After a few more sets, I'll really be able to use some of this strength to my advantage.  And like the greats who came before me (the likes of "Big John Stud", Randy "Macho Man" Savage, "The Ultimate Warrior" and the infamous Ken Petara) my fall, much like a fire-ball headed toward the earth, will be epic.